Straight Up

Paula Abdul is having a tough couple of weeks. She’s hitting and running, she’s got Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, which doesn’t sound fun, and now some former contestant is saying that he slept with her. And he’s got cornrows. What was she thinking? In her defense he did have a cute afro at the time of their alleged affair.

The man reporting this story seems to take this all very seriously. “At 11:03 his cell phone rings…He says it’s Paula Abdul. (dramatic silence)” Huh? Why exactly do I care about who Paula Abdul is calling? Unless she’s calling that Opposites Attract Animated Cat for a possible reunion I really don’t need to hear about it.

I mean really. The woman sits in a chair twice a week and claps. That is the extent of her job description. No matter what kind of stories come out about you, I’d imagine it’d be hard to not be qualified for that job.

The kid’s mom is very mad. Cause Paula broke her son’s heart, or something. Uh, your delinquent son is on Primetime Live, and not because he killed and/or robbed anyone. The only friends he could round up to confirm his story couldn’t be bothered to find a clean shirt or all of their teeth. Yet the kid still got to sleep with Paula Abdul. Granted, Paula is no Debbie Gibson. But I’d say, other than the cornrows, your son has come out okay.

In fact, if he can find a large cat costume I think the Opposites Attract song could have a comeback:

Baby seems we never ever agree
I’ve got Reflex Dystrophy
And I commit felonies

You keep phone records

You hit and run
I cry on TV
My cornrows are fun

My friends are sayin'

That they lost their teeth

And I’m Primetime
For publicity

I like it quiet

So shut the hell up
I’m on pain meds
And I could use a hug

I take--2 steps forward

I take--2 steps back

We came together

Cuz opposites attract

And you know--it ain't fiction

If it’s on Primetime

We came together

Two Idols in the sac