Friday, May 27, 2005

Mickey D’s

We ran out of food the other night on the set so I ran to McDonald’s and ordered 30 double cheeseburgers. The woman at the register said, “Is that for here or to go?” I said, ‘blank stare’. Then I said, “For here. I’m really, really hungry. Oh, and is there any way I can purchase a new circulatory system off your value menu?”

As I stood watching the alarming speed at which McDonald’s is able to make 30 double cheeseburgers I also began surveying the restaurant. And I discovered one of the coolest inventions of our time. It is a cup holder/turner/filler crazy little robot thing. From what I could tell the drive-thru window guy puts a cup in the cup holder/turner/filler crazy little robot thing and the crazy little robot thing turns the cup to the right soda, fills it to the top of the cup, then returns it to the drive-thru guy. And you can put like 10 drink cups in it and it will just keep spinning and filling. Does this invention seem crazy complicated to anyone else? How does it know what soda to put in the cup? How does it know what size the cup is? And do you think it’s steady enough to hold my body weight, cause it looks like a fun ride.

Also, how much do I love that the display case on the register has a fake salad sitting next to a huge fake cinnamon roll? Because even though McDonald’s has been running a ridiculous amount of ads trying to convince you that they have somehow transformed into a health food store, let’s be honest – you didn’t come to MickyD’s for their produce selection. Even if you walk in the door with the intention of buying a salad there is no way you are actually going to purchase one. The obstacles are too great. All of your senses are bombarded at once and you become very weak. You smell the french fries, you see the cinnamon roll, you hear the beeping of the deep fryer – alerting you that deep fried goodness is ready for you to eat. Its rhythmic sound hypnotizes you into ordering the entire value menu: BEEP BEEP BEEP. MUST HAVE CARBS. BEEP BEEP BEEP. FRIES ARE GOOD. BEEP BEEP BEEP.

In other news, thanks to some more inventors who are finding a need and filling it, our french fry eating has just got a little easier. Or at least a little more organized. I was at Target the other day and in the car section, next to the cup holders for your car you can now find a French Fry Holder. I kid you friggin’ not. You are to clip the device to your dash and voila! your french fries are as close as your radio/phone/navigational system/PDA. Cause apparently the whole reaching into the bag for french fries was too much of an effort for the inventors of this product. I personally like the reaching maneuver. It adds a little bit of excitement to the eating, “Will I get a fry or a chicken mcnugget or perhaps a straw wrapper when I reach in here?” I just dip it in ketchup – it all tastes the same.

Once the fry holder inventors see the cup holder/turner/filler crazy little robot thing they are sure to invent something similar for the car dining experience. You will put the food on a crazy little robot thing and it will unwrap your food, open your mouth, put the food in and help you chew. It will be great. And it will effectively put an end to all that silly moving we’ve been doing. Start stocking up on those circulatory systems now – they’re going to sell out quick…


M and G said...

once again thanks for the funny story.

Kangaroo Jack said...

People leave you comments but do you ever take the time to read other peoples blogs?
You suck.


Anonymous said...

Kangaroo jack is quite rude. Who has the time to read other blogs, when you are busy writing, working and eating!

Kangaroo Jack said...

Well, I wasnt being rude. She knows I was only kidding. It was an inside joke. But I do appreciate you pointing that out for me. :P

dawn said...

Mr. Jack,

"bld" is my mother. You said I 'suck', which I am assuming sent her into mother protection mode - hence her calling you 'rude'.

Man, you guys with the harsh name-calling.

Dean said...

Go get 'em Mom!