Tuesday, May 17, 2005


I am officially scared of TV commercials. I usually make it a habit to tape all the shows I want to watch so that I can fast forward past commercials. But even in double time commercials are freaking me out. I say we need to organize a serious intervention at the advertising companies who are obviously partaking in a very dangerous combination of hallucinogenic drugs and Fun Dip while coming up with these ad campaigns.

Prosecution Exhibits:

Please explain the scary Burger King Guy with the plastic head. Please. I’m thinking this is an attempt to create a fun little character to identify with the company. Like Ronald McDonald, or maybe more like Jack of Jack in the Box. But this King Guy is not fun. Jack of Jack in the Box is round and has a red smile and I don’t know, he has a fun little voice over that calms me. Maybe that’s the difference, the voice over. Scary King Guy just stares at people, occasionally offering them a selection from the value menu – WHILE IN THEIR BED. He seriously freaks me out. Oh my god, what if they turn him into an antenna ball like Jack? Oh no.

Can someone, anyone, please call Quizno’s and tell them that their ad agency is high? Awhile ago they had these two deranged puppets on their commercials that looked like the brain child of Marilyn Manson and some sort of epileptic puppet artist. Thank the lord those two freak shows were pulled off the air. But what do they replace them with? Baby Bob. Have you seen this Baby? He’s trying to be like the Look Whose Talking baby. Only that movie was like 15 years ago and the baby in that movie didn’t sound like patron at a strip bar. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this freaky baby got some other side TV work. On The Sopranos.

And this one is a cry out to all the drug companies. Please. Please. Please stop. I do not need to see an animated toe fungus lift up and animated toenail and have mosh pit with his fungi brothers under the nail. I also do not need to hear the word “erectile” EVER while watching Gilmore Girls – let alone three times. And I do not need to see an older couple in separate bathtubs reaching out to each other while on a cliff overlooking the sunset – who the hell has bathtubs on a cliff? (And to be on the safe side a man probably shouldn’t be near a cliff after taking his medication. His balance change may cause an unfortunate accident) Also do not market a menopause pill to women and then say, “If you have a uterus, this pill may cause uterine cancer.” Uh, a lot of women have those uteruses. And a lot of women might prefer hot flashes over cancer. Thank you. Also, please stop with the writing on peoples’ stomachs. I’d be okay if I never saw the word “constipation” in print across someone’s stomach. Although I must commend these constipated people on their tremendous abs. If there were a pill for those abs I’d take it in a second. To hell with my uterus.


Dean said...

As soon as I saw todays post I knew someone had a serious tv addiction. I was planning on writing about this addiction when I read about the Burger King guy. I decided to cut you some slack.
That dude is evil! First time I saw that commercial I nearly ran out of the room. Stalkers are easier to be around than this guy. Jeesh, little kids must need therapy after seeing that head staring at them.
Thats it. I agree with you on the commercials in general...though I think you watch to much tv. Maybe you should go out and get a burger instead?!


Harris Bloom said...

You're absolutely right about the Burger King dude.

Spielberg coulda used him instead of the clown in Poltergeist

Or Karen Black coulda been terrorized by him instead of that voodoo doll in the Trilogy of Terror story

Or...well, you get the idea

Cap'n Croissan'wich said...

Thank you for helping me realize I am not the only person that never wants to eat at Burger King, because then if I do, I will be in danger of a Mardi-Gras-head-King thing hovering over me when I wake up, urging me to eat a freshly microwaved Croissan'wich. (by the way, what is with the funky spelling of "Croissant"? Isn't it a difficult enough French word as it is? Do you need to complicate it more by placing an apostrophe where the "T" should be? Trust me, this will not help any Burger King empolyees learn to speak French. Southern French, maybe).

In addition, why are these fast food companies obsessed with having mascots with large artificial heads that have no animation to their eyes, mouth and face in general! I think they they are trying to scare us into eating cheeseburgers, curly cut fries and apple-walnut/chicken/basalmic n' cheesewiches with these intimidating and freakish mascots pushing them on us for 99 cents. Come to think of it, most food and service mascots are pretty scary in a theme park kind of way...

I just realized I wrote enough to start my own theraputic blog. I'm shutting up.