Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Bulk

It was late one night, I was checking my e-mail, I was weak, and apparently I was hungry. Cause up above my e-mail I spotted a banner ad that featured a juicy steak and buttery bake potato, with perfectly placed parsley as well. Next to this beautifully lit piece of dead animal was an ad promising me my very own well lit meal if I only “CLICK HERE”. And I did. What was I thinking? I was clearly not thinking. I clearly had been seduced by the promise of a meal that did not involve me using a can opener or a microwave. This seduction was so powerful that I actually ENTERED MY E-MAIL ADDRESS into some sort of form promising food.

I don’t know, it was all a blur. But the consequences of this tiny moment of weakness are anything but blurry. I get approximately 200 bulk e-mails a day promising everything from porn to purity. From hair growth to hair removal. From Viagra to, well, more Viagra. (disturbing sidenote: as I just typed the word Viagra, Microsoft Word automatically capitalized it. This means that Viagra is now officially a part of the English language, because Microsoft recognizes it as such. Something seems wrong about that. (sidenote to my sidenote: Does it seem ironic to anyone else that a letter in Viagra gets bigger after I type it? Discuss.))

So, my e-mail has a bulk mail folder that is meant to shield me from the onslaught of porn ads. However, sometimes e-mail from my friends ends up with the porn (maybe I’m hanging out with the wrong kinds of people (or the right kind, according to Microsoft Word)). As a result I am forced to browse through my bulk folder a couple times a day to see if any of the names or subject lines look familiar. (Oh, how I wish that the words “farm” and “sex” together on a subject line didn’t start looking familiar after awhile. I will never watch Charlotte’s Web the same way again.)

Here are some of my personal favorites. Think of it as a greatest hits collection. I’ll be sending an e-mail out about how you can purchase this collection for only $19.95 USD.

CredibleSource - Versa wrench-twenty in one pocket tool - The sender of this e-mail is actually “CredibleSource”. So OF COURSE I opened it. I wasn’t going to open it, because I thought that someone trying to sell me a wrench via an e-mail might not be legitimate. But THEN I saw that it was from “CredibleSource”, and I instantly felt silly for ever doubting the wrench or my need for one tool, let along twenty in one. I ordered a wrench immediately, knowing that “CredibleSource” would never mislead me.

Dawn, I am looking for a business partner - Scary e-mail guy, while I’m sure many a successful business has been started via bulk e-mail I am going to have to pass on your offer. I have recently purchased a 20 in 1 tool that makes me completely self-reliant and in need of partnership from no one.

Impress your wife - I don’t have a wife, but I’m thinking on the whole they are not impressed by packages being delivered to their house from Harry’s Hard-Ons. Just a thought, fellas.

Thicker hair within 30 seconds...complimentary sample - I’m a bit weary of anything that is going to make my hair grow in 30 seconds. I’m having flashbacks to that scene from that Michael J. Fox movie where he turns into a werewolf in the bathroom. What was the name of that movie? God it was good. He danced on the top of a moving van, that’s all I remember of that movie. That van-dancing scene used to seem so cool to me and now it just seems unsafe. Yet another sign that I’m old.

You are Eligible for a Complimentary Ice Cream - But not too old to enjoy an ice cream! I didn’t open it this e-mail, but I have to admit that I almost did. I instantly heard that annoying ice cream man song in my head and started longing for a pushpop. What I love most about this e-mail is not that it’s pandering to every person’s weakness for ice cream, but that it is also implying that there is some sort of eligibility requirement for getting the ice cream. As if you have to be pre-approved for ice cream. I think this ice cream is the first thing I’ve ever been pre-approved for in my life. Who says good credit is important?

Learn about Pope John Paul II – Bulk Mail People, you are going to hell.

Lose fat while sleeping – You know what would really help me out? If I could do the laundry while I’m sleeping, or maybe cook dinner while I’m sleeping, or better yet commute to work while I’m sleeping. Oh wait, I already do that one.

Looking for Quality Christain Singles? – Uh, no. And how in the hell does one end up on the 'Impress Your Wife' list AND the 'Quality Christian Singles' list as well? Unless, there are people who want to impress their wives with a Quality Christian Single? That seems a bit odd, but then again, I never thought they could ever figure out a way to fit 20 tools onto one wrench, so obviously it’s a day full of surprises.

Hot girls doing hairy men on the pharm – My favorite part of this little romantic tale is that "farm" has been deemed the word necessary of censor. This means that the word “farm” is showing up on so many bulk porn e-mails that it is now being filtered out by some spam blockers. Porn People: leave the poor animals alone and go get yourself on a nice Christian Single and repent immediately.

Refinance your house the Christian way – Since when is Jesus in the home financing business? Has he fallen upon rough economical times now that the New Pope smell is wearing off?

All your ashtray needs – Do I really have enough ashtray needs that I require an entire website worth of choices? I don’t smoke, but even if I did I doubt that I would have any need to buy my ashtrays in bulk. In my experience with smoking I’ve found that all of my ashtray needs can be met by simply finishing the beer in my hand and allowing the guy who is smoking to put his cigarette butt in my empty can. And I don’t even charge shipping and handling.

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And by the way, I never got my free steak…it’s my fault for not making sure I was dealing with CredibleSource before I entered my e-mail.

1 comment:

Shaniqua said...

Well, some would say that you only get that junk mail because of the websites you visit....you know?