My mother is slightly obsessed with gnomes and gnome-like things. I vaguely remember her obsession from my youth. But life seemed to get in the way and her true gnome-love was not allowed to flourish as it could have. Now that she has been retired for approximately a year she has once again found the time to engage in all things gnome. Oh dear.
The ceramic Seven Dwarfs and Snow White in my parents’ yard had not weathered the years well. During a head count last year it was discovered that only Snow White and three brave Dwarfs remained. Survivors of decades of kids and animals and rain and the occasional possum. I assume the survivors had run for cover behind the brave ceramic Dutch couple from Holland who have stayed together all these years despite the elements and the fact that the wife has been holding a flower-filled wheel-barrel for 25 years. You’d think she would have had enough and left that overall-wearing hubby of hers by now.
So mom’s first post-retirement activity was to once again give Snow White a full house of Dwarfs. And to give the surviving Dwarfs a quick makeover with a new coat of paint. The process was a long one. It involved many a visit to the local ceramics shop as well as countless hours painting the tiny body parts of Snow’s new boys. Eventually the family was once again whole. Mom was so proud. I recently got a roll of her film developed from a relative’s 60th birthday party. On the roll of film were pictures of the whole family – kids smiling, old people laughing, people eating and drinking and being merry. Then at the end of the roll were pictures of the New and Improved Snow White surrounded by her Dwarfs. On the same roll of film as the picture of three generations of our family. Mom likes gnomes.
Her newest addition to the bizarre and quite diverse ceramic yard family is a golden retriever. He sits on the front porch and he holds a sign in his mouth that says “Welcome”. This time mom has gone too far. Why? Because Fido came with 6 OUTFITS. Yes, when you walk up to the house you are welcomed by a dog wearing bunny ears and bunny tale, or a Santa costume or, lord help us, a rain coat and hat. Mom is a little upset that he didn’t come with more outfits, she wants to change his outfit more often. Some months there is nothing for him to wear, so he has to wear last month’s outfit. She thinks that his limited number of outfits makes him look silly. She doesn’t think that the fact that there is a ceramic dog in a graduation outfit on her porch is silly at all.
I’m sure his graduation pictures will be on the same roll of film as my cousin’s first communion.
The ceramic Seven Dwarfs and Snow White in my parents’ yard had not weathered the years well. During a head count last year it was discovered that only Snow White and three brave Dwarfs remained. Survivors of decades of kids and animals and rain and the occasional possum. I assume the survivors had run for cover behind the brave ceramic Dutch couple from Holland who have stayed together all these years despite the elements and the fact that the wife has been holding a flower-filled wheel-barrel for 25 years. You’d think she would have had enough and left that overall-wearing hubby of hers by now.
So mom’s first post-retirement activity was to once again give Snow White a full house of Dwarfs. And to give the surviving Dwarfs a quick makeover with a new coat of paint. The process was a long one. It involved many a visit to the local ceramics shop as well as countless hours painting the tiny body parts of Snow’s new boys. Eventually the family was once again whole. Mom was so proud. I recently got a roll of her film developed from a relative’s 60th birthday party. On the roll of film were pictures of the whole family – kids smiling, old people laughing, people eating and drinking and being merry. Then at the end of the roll were pictures of the New and Improved Snow White surrounded by her Dwarfs. On the same roll of film as the picture of three generations of our family. Mom likes gnomes.
Her newest addition to the bizarre and quite diverse ceramic yard family is a golden retriever. He sits on the front porch and he holds a sign in his mouth that says “Welcome”. This time mom has gone too far. Why? Because Fido came with 6 OUTFITS. Yes, when you walk up to the house you are welcomed by a dog wearing bunny ears and bunny tale, or a Santa costume or, lord help us, a rain coat and hat. Mom is a little upset that he didn’t come with more outfits, she wants to change his outfit more often. Some months there is nothing for him to wear, so he has to wear last month’s outfit. She thinks that his limited number of outfits makes him look silly. She doesn’t think that the fact that there is a ceramic dog in a graduation outfit on her porch is silly at all.
I’m sure his graduation pictures will be on the same roll of film as my cousin’s first communion.
*******************************
Mom's Rebuttal:
Actually, there was only ONE dwarf survivor. And he was soooo lonely, even though it was "Happy" who survived. The little Dutch BOY has the wheelborrow, the girl has a BASKET of flowers. Geez, get the facts straight girl. The dog came with 6 outfits, but I bought 6 more--how sick am I?
Outfits?: Easter egg shirt with matching ears; Santa shirt, and of course a hat; St. Patty's green outfit, a witch's outfit; Singin' in the rain; Fall ensemble; Fourth of July guy; New Year's fancy black tail number; Pilgrim dude; Valentine shirt with a heart hat (too cute); of course the much-envied graduation robe and motarboard; beach outfit--now, you should have counted 12 outfits, with not a thing to wear in MAY!!! I'm very upset by this. Think I'll sue!
5 comments:
I learn something new about you everyday!
Let's see...your Mom likes Gnomes and you have a fasination with Midgets on Infomercials.
Sounds genetic to me.
-Dean
Actually, there was only ONE dwarf survivor. And he was soooo lonely, even though it was "Happy" who survived. The little Dutch BOY has the wheelborrow, the girl has a BASKET of flowers. Geez, get the facts straight girl. I think Dean might have a good point. Do we BOTH need therapy? The dog came with 6 outfits, but I bought 6 more--how sick am I?
One Dwarf survivor?! That must have made things easier for Snow White. Interesting how it was Happy who remainded. Does that mean Happiness conquers all...or did Snow White make her selection and bump the rest off? Either way, Happiness wins!
Hey Mom...what are the other outfits you bought? Need a rundown of the puppy wardrobe.
-Dean
Speaking of dwarves surviving, why have there never been any dwarves on "Survivor"? I mean, I know they had one on "The Amazing Race" (and lost), but if there was a dwarf on "Survivor" he would win. Why? Because, he or she is a dwarf, and there would be the sympathy vote. Secondly, factor in that there would be the fear to vote for them, because no one likes an angry dwarf. Thirdly, all he would have to do is say "When I was a kid..." and fill it in with any story of how he was ridiculed and abused by punk schoolkids and they will totally not vote for him.
So, if any of you reading this are a dwarf (or know one), then for Criminey's sake, audition for Survivor and give me a cut of the cool million when you win. This will also give Betty Lou (Who? Dawn' mom) a reason to watch "Survivor" and root for the dwarf. CBS would then market a gnome modeled after the dwarf who won (We'll call the dwarf TOBY), and, in turn, Dawn would buy the gnome-dwarf Toby for her mom and the world would be like a circle in a circle in a circle, only smaller (because of the dwarf).
As I puruse my beloved dwarfs, I realized it was SLEEPY who survived. THAT should tell you something!! As for making it easier for Snow, I'm not sure . . . because poor Snow didn't survive. (No wonder that dwarf was so Sleepy, after bumping off 6 dwarfs and a big gal like Snow!!!)
Outfits?: Easter egg shirt with matching ears; Santa shirt, and of course a hat; St. Patty's green outfit, a witch's outfit; Singin' in the rain; Fall ensemble; Fourth of July guy; New Year's fancy black tail number; Pilgrim dude; Valentine shirt with a heart hat (too cute); of course the much-envied graduation robe and motarboard; beach outfit--now, you should have counted 12 outfits, with not a thing to wear in MAY!!! I'm very upset by this. Think I'll sue!
Post a Comment