Friday, July 22, 2005

Defected

I’m sitting here, trying to type my eagerly awaited blog o’ the day and I’m having to situate my arm in a way that doesn’t cause me great pain. Cause my arm has added itself to the list of things that are falling apart on my body. It is becoming quite a little list. And I’m not even 30. Lord help me and the live-in nurse that is going to have to take care of me when I’m like 52.

I know you think I’m being dramatic. I am not. Well, at least not without really good reason to be dramatic. The following is a list of things that are defective on my body:

My Ears: My ears are the most notable manufacturer defect, if only because their defect cost me the most money to aide. Five grand later I have two little microphones in my ears and I can finally hear people speak to me. After a childhood spent wondering what everyone is saying I now know – nothing of too much importance.

My Eyes: I don’t really mind these not working cause I enjoy the fact that people think I’m smart just because I wear glasses. It makes up for the fact that I never finished college. Also, people think I’m hip and happenin’ because I wear glasses. And as long as they don’t look at anything else I’m wearing they might continue to believe that…But it would be fun to be able to see well enough to, I don’t know, play soccer or something like that. So then I wouldn’t have to wear my glasses while playing and then get kicked in the head while playing and then have the glasses break and then have to superglue the glasses back together and then stop looking hip and happenin’ and start looking like an idiot with broken glasses that are so loose on her face that they tend to arrive a few moments after her head has turned.

My Knee: I trained for a marathon about a year and a half ago. Before this time I hadn’t moved farther than my freezer in approximately, well, ever. And I thought that it would be perfectly healthy to run 300 miles in 4 months. Yeah, for future reference, that’s a bad idea. A really bad one. So now if I sit too long or run too long or walk down too many steps (“too many” being “more than none”) or up too many steps or drive past the park I where I used to run my knee starts throbbing. Proving once and for all that I’ve been right all along – exercise, and stairs, are bad.

My Ankle: This one isn’t really a permanent one, but I think it shows exactly how fragile my poor body is. I twisted my ankle playing soccer about two months ago. Well, okay, so I wasn’t so much playing soccer as I was just standing on the field after the soccer game. And then I just fell off my own foot. Which doesn’t seem all together even possible. I mean, if you’re walking and you trip, that’s one thing, but what on earth could I possibly trip over if I am just standing? It wasn’t even windy or anything. You know, to blow me over. But whatever it was it hurt. And it still hurts. Just when I think it might be okay I step weird or fall off my feet again or I try to kick away a nine-year old who has just discovered her passion for tickling and there you go, the ankle is swollen again. Cause heaven forbid anything actually HEAL on my body, ever.

My Arm: My work keeps me in front of a computer most of the day. And my procrastination on my work keeps me in front of it for the rest of the day. This has lead to a nice little flair up of carpel tunnel in my arm. It’s quite lovely, having to choose between constant pain and not getting a paycheck. In an effort to keep me off welfare my doctor gave me a fun little arm brace.

Now please, if you will just take one minute of your time to visualize with me. Here I sit. Wearing hearing aides, glasses and an arm brace. When I get up I’ll limp. But in that way that you limp when your knee hurts on one leg and your ankle hurts on another, and you’re trying to figure out which one hurts less, so you know which one to limp onto.

And now, if you will, go ahead and flash forward 20 years and try to visualize exactly what kind of mechanical device is going to have to be constructed to be my eyes, ears, hands and feet after all those body parts just fall off my body from defect.

I sure hope my health insurance covers it.

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