How do I know that you people didn’t watch the show? Because I finally got around to watching my tape of the finale and if any of you had watched it there is NO WAY you could have refrained from sharing the following two highlights with me:
1. Patrick friggin’ Swayze showed up. I kid you not. My head nearly exploded from excitement. The Old Guy needed help lifting his partner and who better to bring in than someone who perfected a lift in a movie? Thank god the old guy didn’t need help drawing blood or something cause he would have been screwed when he brought in Robin Williams (aka Patch Adams) to help.
Patrick showed up with both his Dirty Dancing moves and his Dirty Dancing face (thank you weird wax museum plastic surgery) and taught the old guy all he knew. After that 15 seconds he just smiled and gave high fives. Why they wasted time with the silly dance contest instead of letting Patrick mambo for the rest of the hour, I’ll never know. And speaking of lifts and plastic surgery, where the hell was Baby? She better not be in a corner somewhere. (Not that anyone would recognize her there if she was…)
2. When the Young Chick and her Hot Partner were practicing their lifts he dropped her on her head. Is that exciting? No. But because she got dropped on her head (and because she was trying to make up for her lack of dancing ability with her abundance of good body parts) she decided that they would get in their bathing suits and practice in her pool. Ala: Johnny and Baby practicing in the lake!!! It wasn’t quite the same because they didn’t make out or even share any long passionate stares. But still. Exciting.
Since none of you watched the show and I’m sure you are wondering, I’ll tell you who won. I’ll tell you just like the show does
(close up of one contestant)
(close up of the other contestant)
(we’ll be right back after this commercial break)
(close up of one contestant)
(all the contestants in one shot)
The Young Chick won. Which still baffles my mind. She really can’t dance that well. But she’s hot and her partner could dance really well. Most of the time he’d just flail around while she stood in one place trying to show more of her abs. In their grand finale they did a lot of that, but they also added some lifts and spins. Every once in awhile the guy would pick her up and start spinning her in the air. This looked cool until she had to be returned to the ground. It was at that point that some actual dancing ability would have come in handy, as she basically landed smack on her knee caps. I’m sure that hurt more on the dance floor than it did in the pool…
But don’t feel too bad for The Old Guy. From what I can tell the only thing the winner got was a trophy. With a huge disco ball on it. Seriously.
Patrick Swayze. Dancing in the pool. Girls being spun around. Disco balls. I can’t believe you people didn’t watch this show.