Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Dirty Dancing Flashbacks

Dude. How did none of you watch the finale of “Dancing with the Stars”? I can’t believe you’ve denied yourselves such a cultural phenomenon. As well as that much sequins in such a condensed period of time.

How do I know that you people didn’t watch the show? Because I finally got around to watching my tape of the finale and if any of you had watched it there is NO WAY you could have refrained from sharing the following two highlights with me:

1. Patrick friggin’ Swayze showed up. I kid you not. My head nearly exploded from excitement. The Old Guy needed help lifting his partner and who better to bring in than someone who perfected a lift in a movie? Thank god the old guy didn’t need help drawing blood or something cause he would have been screwed when he brought in Robin Williams (aka Patch Adams) to help.

Patrick showed up with both his Dirty Dancing moves and his Dirty Dancing face (thank you weird wax museum plastic surgery) and taught the old guy all he knew. After that 15 seconds he just smiled and gave high fives. Why they wasted time with the silly dance contest instead of letting Patrick mambo for the rest of the hour, I’ll never know. And speaking of lifts and plastic surgery, where the hell was Baby? She better not be in a corner somewhere. (Not that anyone would recognize her there if she was…)

2. When the Young Chick and her Hot Partner were practicing their lifts he dropped her on her head. Is that exciting? No. But because she got dropped on her head (and because she was trying to make up for her lack of dancing ability with her abundance of good body parts) she decided that they would get in their bathing suits and practice in her pool. Ala: Johnny and Baby practicing in the lake!!! It wasn’t quite the same because they didn’t make out or even share any long passionate stares. But still. Exciting.

Since none of you watched the show and I’m sure you are wondering, I’ll tell you who won. I’ll tell you just like the show does

(dramatic music)

(close up of one contestant)

(weird lighting)

(dramatic music)

(close up of the other contestant)

(we’ll be right back after this commercial break)

(dramatic music)

(close up of one contestant)

(weird lighting)

(all the contestants in one shot)

The Young Chick won. Which still baffles my mind. She really can’t dance that well. But she’s hot and her partner could dance really well. Most of the time he’d just flail around while she stood in one place trying to show more of her abs. In their grand finale they did a lot of that, but they also added some lifts and spins. Every once in awhile the guy would pick her up and start spinning her in the air. This looked cool until she had to be returned to the ground. It was at that point that some actual dancing ability would have come in handy, as she basically landed smack on her knee caps. I’m sure that hurt more on the dance floor than it did in the pool…

But don’t feel too bad for The Old Guy. From what I can tell the only thing the winner got was a trophy. With a huge disco ball on it. Seriously.

Patrick Swayze. Dancing in the pool. Girls being spun around. Disco balls. I can’t believe you people didn’t watch this show.


Anonymous said...

And I can't believe that you have now admitted to the entire world how many times you watched Dirty Dancing. No comment about the cute Patrick sneer at the end? --bl

Baby's Daddy said...

Dawn!!!!! I can't believe you are chastizing us for not watching such a lame reason for a tv show. This coming from someone who demands quality in her viewing too!!

I think working on that movie made you really downgrade your level of being entertained, what with the laffy taffy, sword dudes and Craft Services table games and all. God, I cannot wait for the regular tv season to begin, so they can start airing ACTUAL television shows instead this summer filler. Of course, because this show was so huge, they will probably bring it back this fall to compete against American Idol or Survivor.

dawn said...

ahhhh....the cute sneer at the end.

That sneer is even more special now, because I don't think that Patrick's new face would allow him to sneer anymore...

eyeball_715 said...

you know that we Americans LOVE an underdog story....

so, of course, the couple with some ACTUAL dancing talent would never win out over the chick-who-was-terrible-from-the-start and can't keep her clothes on.

but, i agree! Patrick Swayze! WOO HOO!!!