Monday, July 25, 2005

The Life of the Designated Driver

I don’t drink much. It lost its allure around age 21. Ironic huh? Although my friends were sad to lose such a great partier they were happy to gain such a great designated driver. And so began my life as the “Driver of the Drunks”.

This weekend a friend called and said that she and another friend were going out to a club. I had work to do so I passed on the drunken sweatfest that is going to a club. But I offered to pick them up later if they needed a ride.

So around 1:45 a.m. my phone rings.

“We’re walking to your house. But we’ve gotten lost.”
“Where are you?”
“We were on 16th and uh, S.”
“I live at 9th and D. You aren’t walking to my house. Where was the club you guys were at?”
“Uh, 17th and S.”
“So you haven’t gotten too far in your walking?”
“We have heels on. Can you come pick us up? We’re walking.”
“Well, stop walking. Hug a tree till I get there.”
“There are no trees. There’s a park a couple blocks up though.”
“Stay where you are. What streets are you on now?”
“16th and…a for sale sign. We’ll stay here.”
“I need a letter.”
“There’s a homeless guy. And a paint store. And a bug! Ahhh! A HUGE bug on the ground!! What is that?!”
“I need a letter to find you."
“We’re on a corner. In heels. At 2 a.m. People probably think we’re hookers.”

(I find them next to the paint store.)
“DAWN! We love you for picking us up!”
“No problem.”
“Dawn, I have a very serious question to ask you.”
“Uh huh…”
“Can we get Taco Bell?”
“Seriously. Love you.”
“And love Taco Bell.”
“Yes, and Taco Bell.”
“Dawn, the club sucked. There were no cute boys there.”
“There was that one.”
“Oh yeah.”
“But he was gay.”
“Yeah, but we let him buy us a drink anyways.”
“And there was that one guy that bought us a drink who couldn’t hear.”
“Oh god. This guy had been shot in the head. So he couldn’t hear or see out of his right side.”
“But we let him buy us a drink anyways.”
"And we had to stand on his left side."
“Dawn, don’t you dare write a blog about this!”
“What did you do tonight?”
“Got some work done.”
“Oh, we interrupted your work. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s good for you to get away from the computer. We are helping your carpel tunnel by having you pick us up. It’s really in your best interest.”
“You’re too good to me, really.”
“Why is there a tambourine in the back seat?”
“Because someone stole it from the mambo line at the wedding last weekend and left it in the car when I drove all the drunk people home.”
“Was that just last weekend?”
“I have no idea where we are right now.”
“I’m taking you to Taco Bell.”
“I want macaroni and cheese.”
“They don’t have macaroni and cheese at Taco Bell.”
“But they do have chips and cheese. Same thing.”
“You’re not going to write a blog about this, are you?”
“Where are we? Oh, look we’re on Broadway. Okay, I know that restaurant in front of us.”
“There was a fire there.”
“No, I just ate there.”
“No you didn’t, cause there was a fire.”
“I really just ate there. There couldn’t have been a fire.”
“Look, that on…in…on…in thingy is burned.”
“That on…in thingy. That striped thing above the door.”
“The awning?”
“Awning! I knew it was “on” something.”
“I guess it’s been a couple months since I ate there.”
“Oh NO!!!”
(All the Taco Bell lights are off. It is not open.)
“What? How is that possible? Taco Bell shouldn’t close!”
“We went there last weekend after the wedding.”
“We were drunk earlier last weekend.”
“Dammit! If only we hadn’t let that gay guy buy us a drink!”
“It’s fine we’ll go to Del Taco up the street.”

(after a forty-five minute wait in a line full of bar discards we are almost to the drive thru order speaker.)
“I’m gonna want lots of burritos.”
“Are the breakfast burritos available now?”
“Those are gross. Those aren’t even real eggs.”
“I don’t care, they’re scrambled.”
“I want some burritos.”
“And I want a breakfast burrito.”
“You two are actually going to be with me when I get up there, so you don’t have to give me your order right now.”
“Don’t blog about this, kay?”
“I have $17 is that enough?”
“If $17 is not enough at Del Taco then you guys have some binging problems.”
(We make it up to the speaker.)
“We want a bean and cheese burrito.”
“With no sauce.”
“With no sauce.”
“And extra sour cream and guacamole.”
“And extra sour cream and guacamole.”
“And a veggie burrito.”
“And a veggie burrito.”
“And a breakfast burrito. No red sauce.”
“And a breakfast burrito. No red sauce.”
“No red sauce.”
“I know.”
“And a small fry.”
“And a small fry.”
“No, medium.”
“No, medium.”
“And a taco, and a chicken taco.”
“And a taco, and a chicken taco.”
“And a quesadilla.”
“And a quesadilla.”
“And a Pepsi, and a water.”
“Oh god, yes, water.”
“And another burrito.”
“You want another one?”
“I love burritos.”
"They are called Half Pound Burritos. You've already ordered a pound of burritos."
"I love burritos."
"I bet the sour cream and guacamole add weight."
"But I took off the sauce."
“And another burrito.”
“With no sauce.”
“With no sauce.”
“And extra sour cream and guacamole.”
“And extra sour cream and guacamole.”
“Is that it?”
“Hmmm. Yes.”
“No red sauce!”

(We pull around for our order. Drive thru window guy looks at order and then at the three skinny girls in the car.)
“Did you guys have a really big order?”
“Yep that was us.”
(He smirks. I roll my eyes. He hands us the drinks, but no straws.)
“We need straws.”
“He’ll get them.”
“We need them though.”
“Wait a second.”
(Instead of waiting, or even taking the lid off the drink, my passenger decides to suck the liquid out of the straw hole while holding the drink upside down.)
(Man hands us enough food to feed seven cars. He smirks. I roll my eyes. I hand the food to the passengers. It is for the first time in an hour completely quiet in my car.)

“Dawn, seriously, don’t you dare write a blog about this.”


Homeless guy on 16th streeet said...

I am glad you blogged about this...It was so real, I could hear the VOLUME of these drunk girls. I am glad you blogged about this because hopefully these girls will see how ridiculous all of their behavior is. They could have been home blogging about wanting to go out to drink and eat Taco Bell. But then, we wouldn't have this brilliant blog to read.

Yes, I am glad you blogged about this, because they didn't want you to, because they know how stupid they would look and they would regret it. You are too kind to offer your services of designated driver, but I think you do it so you secretly can get more blog material.

dawn said...

Um, these are MY girls you are talking about, and only I get to make fun of them.

They are not ridiculous. Loud, yes. But not ridiculous. Even if they were sober they would have wanted Taco Bell. This is what has sustained our friendship for decades.

Homeless guy now on 15th street said...

You are so adjective - sensitive. What, so now we can't comment on your comments? OK I will just make filtered statements and hopefully not use the wrong descriptions.

Drunk friend #1 said...

Dawn, you are so dead for writing a blog about this! And the "homeless guy" is no longer on 16th street for I have thrown him off of the nearest bridge and dumped my taco bell wrappers on him!

Have a great day! :)

Tye said...

Quite funny. That is what makes life fun. You have moments in life that you can look back on and laugh about. I'm sure you friends might not like the fact that you did write about it, but what other perks do you have when you are the sober one. You become the person who reminds everyone what they did that day. Well anyway......hopefully you will not get anymore comments from people insulting your friends....That is something someone has to earn the right to do....Well...always fun reading your blog.


dawn said...

Of course you can comment on my comments, but then I can comment on your comments on my comments.

It's the circle of life.

I can't just stand by (or sit by, as it were) while someone calls my friends ridiculous. Even though sometimes they make it hard to stand up for them when they are speaking of throwing homeless people off bridges...oy.

Jenn said...

I loved this one, haha. I always liked being the only sober one. The sober people are the ones with the best stories. And your friends aren't ridiculous. What drunk person HASN'T wanted Taco Bell at some point? :)

Homeless guy thrown in the river said...

I MERELY said their behavior was ridiculous, not THEM as human beings. Please learn the difference between the two. Why do you think I am homeless? I have done a few ridiculous things, but I myself, am not ridiculous. Oh, and also, I loved being wrapped in Taco Bell wrappers. The drunk girls bought enough food to give me a blanket, comforter and dust ruffle. :-)

homeless guy's mother said...

My son needs to get a life.

Homeless guy under the bridge said...

It's your fault mom. You never took me to Taco Bell when I was drunk.